rchan: (Gravi -- determined -- sunrise.aoaki.net)
[personal profile] rchan
Wow. Two posts in one week. I don't know what to say about that. ^_~ Anyway, as usual, I'm keeping this space for things I don't want easily searchable. Which, in this case, means two things: 1) my thoughts about Will leaving Les Mis and 2) talk about starting therapy again.

So... here we go?

So, I hear Will's leaving Les Mis on May 10th... and I know that will make some of my friends happy because they were never fond of his Javert. Personally I think he was really poorly directed in the role and could have done so much more with it if that hadn't been true. So, I'm sad he's leaving because I feel like he hasn't reached his full potential in that role yet, because he's definitely been improving. OTOH, as [personal profile] zoicite has said in similar circumstances before... He's done this show long enough and I'm ready to see him do something new. And I am. I am ready to see him do something new. Like... REALLY new. Where there are no preconceived notions of how the role should be played. That would make me happy. ^_^ So, yeah. I'm sad, but I'm not broken.

...especially because I am DESPERATELY hoping for a few promotions following Will's leaving. I REALLY, REALLY REALLY REALLY want to see them promote Adam Monley to principle Javert. He is fucking AMAZING in the part and, as much as I'll miss his Combeferre (AND I WILL), I think it would be a crime not to take advantage of how amazing he is. And if they promote HIM to a lead role, there is room to add another Javert cover and PLEASE, OH PLEASE, I WOULD GIVE SO MUCH FOR IT TO BE ANDREW LOVE. TT^TT

*coughs* So. There it is. My thoughts. ^_^ (I'd also really like to see them promote Aaron Walpole come August 10th when Ramin leaves, but that's a whole other discussion. ^_~)

Therapy Talk

Some of you may know that my anxiety issues have been getting worse, not better, and I've been wondering for a while now if I'm flirting with the big scary thing that is depression. I haven't been entirely happy, and I thought seeing a therapist would be a good idea. Here's the problem -- therapists are expensive. And nothing is more disheartening than throwing six months worth of money at a therapist just to find out that you're not really as compatible as you thought you were... which is what happened to me last time. :-P

So things have been kind of hitting a crisis level for me in some regards and I nearly broke down crying twice in one of my classes when talking to the teacher because I was just that stressed. And she asked if I'd ever considered therapy and I broke and told her about my current situation with therapy being expensive and blah blah blah and she said, "Well, have you considered student counseling? Because we have those services on campus."

...

...

...

*headdesk*

I can't believe I had forgotten that that was even an option. I took advantage of similar services when I was in vet school. And it somehow hadn't occurred to me that I WAS ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS AGAIN. And that such services would thus be available. So, I bit the bullet and I called and made an appointment. First appointment is an intake appointment -- so filling out forms, taking history, etc. -- then you have three appointments that are completely free, then it's $30 for each appointment beyond that. Which is REALLY fucking cheap. And four sessions is a decent amount of time to get a feel for whether or not you're going to click with the therapist you end up with.

So, I was cautiously optimistic about the whole thing -- until they told me that the person I'd be seeing was named "Pasha" and we hung up.

...and I had a mild anxiety attack.

Because is Pasha a Russian name and thus likely belonging to a man? Is Pasha a Middle Eastern name and thus possibly belonging to a woman? How old is this person? What's their level of experience and training? What did I just get myself into???

But I pushed that aside and reminded myself that this was just one appointment and if I didn't like the person, I could always ask for someone else.

Anyway, I finally met Pasha today (who is female, BTW, and more likely of Middle Eastern decent than Russian, judging by her appearance), and she was... young. And I don't know why that threw me, but it did. She's an extern pursuing her PhD and being supervised by a licensed psychiatrist. So, not much experience, ether. So, I was getting all set to panic again, but I managed to tell my head to shut up and see where it went. Because here's the thing -- I think in some back corner of my brain, part of me thinks that a therapist is supposed to be someone older and wiser (preferably a woman), who will know how to solve all your problems. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE, and would, in fact, be fairly unhealthy. O_o;;; But there it is.

But the more we talked, the more I realized... this is a really, really good thing. Because for one thing, she's not intimidating. When I gave her an answer that was a little odd, she didn't make me feel like I'd answered incorrectly or like she wanted to put me under a microscope to see what made me tick. She just calmly asked more questions until I could explain it in a way that made sense to her. And she kind of has this aura of quiet competence? Like she's not 100% sure of herself always, but at the same time, she seems to know what she's about and has faith that if she asks the right questions she'll be able to figure it out. And I like that. I like that she's competent but not arrogant.

Other things I liked? When she was transferring some of my information into the computer, and we got to the gender question, she asked me, "You identify as female?"

And I nearly dropped dead of shock.

Because it was so matter-of-factly done. And it wasn't awkward. And I have a feeling that no matter how I'd answered that, she'd have taken it in stride. So, I told her that I did and that I was pleasantly surprised that that was how she'd phrased the question. And she smiled and I started to relax. Because if she was that accepting of gender variations, maybe sexualities would be similarly easy to approach?

Anyway, we went on our merry way through the forms and according to the self-report forms, I have mild-moderate anxiety and mild depression. Which is... not a shock. I've been suspecting that was true for over a year, now. So, it's reassuring, in a way, to know that I wasn't wrong in my suspicions. :-P

(Though I'll put this out there -- the depression form SUCKED. Like... telling you that my sleeping patterns haven't changed in the past 2 weeks and aren't any worse won't help you if you don't also know that my sleeping patterns HAVE SUCKED FOR TEN YEARS. So. Yeah. :-P For the record, she also agreed that the form sucked, and the designations were really arbitrary, but at least it was a place to start. ANYHOO. Moving on.)

So, we went through my ridiculously extensive personal history and finally landed where I'd been dreading we would since deciding to do this -- the relationship questions. So I decided to just jump in with both feet and see where that landed us.

Her: Are you single or in a relationship?
Me: ...why don't we start with the fact that I identify as asexual and aromantic and it was a long and painful road to get to that understanding and take it from there?
Her: *blinkblink* Oh! Absolutley. Go on.

...and that was that. I explained about the two relationships I had had and how I'd never understood or had an interest in sex or romance and how that factored into the situation with those two relationships and eventually segued into talking about that long and painful journey to understanding.

And there was no judgment whatsoever. She took it all in stride and asked me to elaborate when she didn't understand, but for the most part, she was right on board with me.

Funny moment -- I'd been describing when Boyfriend A had asked me out the first time and how I hadn't even realized it was a date until later. She tried to be reassuring like, "I think a lot of women don't pick up on those things," and I appreciated the effort, but I was using it as an example of how absolutely foreign that thoughts of romance always feel to me, not looking for reassurance.

So I nodded and said, "Well, that may be true, but I don't think you understand. ...he gave me a teddy bear which was holding a flower and I legitimately thought that he was just doing it because he knew I liked stuffed animals and he wanted to be nice. I had to call my little sister and have her explain that boys don't usually do that for girls they just want to be friends with before I got it." (Yes, go ahead and laugh; I fully understand how funny that is. *sheepish grin*)

Anyway, she kind of snorted, then tried to hide a laugh behind her hand, then finally gave up and smiled and said, "OK, yeah. That really was a pretty big clue."

So, I laughed, too, and said, "Yeah. In retrospect, it should have been. But that's my point. I just don't really get that stuff. I never have. It just doesn't register on my radar."

And we went on from there and it seemed like she really understood where I was coming from and there was no judgment, no matter what I said. And by the end, I'd relaxed and she'd relaxed, and the point of all of this is that I'm cautiously optimistic about the whole thing? So... yeah.

I'm glad I ended up where I did. And I'm glad that she's so young, because I feel like for the first time, I'm actually on the same page as the person who's going to try to help me. And like I won't have to fight a battle with her in order to get that help. I hope I'm right. Because I don't have the energy to fight that battle right now. Not again.

...so we'll see? I'll keep you all posted. ^_^
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