rchan: (Melusine -- Conversation died)
[personal profile] rchan
I really do intend to try to keep this up, because I think it's important to me to organize my own thoughts about the things we discuss. Some of them, anyway.

So, there were a couple of things that stuck out to me today:
1) Her inexperience was definitely showing and not of benefit.
2) I'm starting to wonder if therapy can actually help me.

So, what do I mean? First of all, we started talking about what my biggest stress is at the moment and lbh, it's school. It's the fact that sometimes I can't even START my work, much less keep at it. And when you're telling your therapist that you procrastinate until the last possible minute and somehow still get it done and get As, it is NOT helpful to have her say, "Well, it sounds like that's working for you, then!"

No. No, it's NOT. That's the fucking POINT. I mean, if by "working" you mean that I'm still getting it done and getting As, then yes, it's "working". But it's NOT working in that said process has me wound so tight in anxiety spirals that I can't fucking function outside of the anxiety to devote any mental energy to anything that isn't school.

So, as we started to talk about that, and I describe my issues, she starts to give me advice about how to focus better and I'm like... I AM 36 YEARS OLD. I HAVE TRIED THESE THINGS. THEY DO NOT WORK. BELIEVE ME. I HAVE TRIED. I WISH THEY WORKED. And she's basically saying, "Well, it's a matter of willpower and you just have to pick one." And like... IT IS NOT. IT IS NOT THAT, AT ALL. *cries* If willpower alone could fix my fucked up school habits, THEY WOULD BE FIXED.

And then she started to wonder if there were some ADHD going on and I'm like... *facepalm* ...I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK I THOUGHT THERE WAS. But, fine. I'm sure a lot happened for her between this week and last week and I don't expect her to remember every detail we talked about. Anyway, short of a barrage of expensive tests, the only way to test that theory was to go through symptoms in the DSM-V, so fine. Now, here's the problem. I CAN focus. I will sometimes hyperfocus on things for hours at a stretch if they interest me. But most of the rest of the time? I CAN'T FOCUS FOR SHIT. It's really, really bad. I KNOW there is an ADHD thing going on with me. I've read the criteria. It's me to a fucking TEE. But she got hung on early on the fact that I didn't match two of the criteria when out of all of them you only have to match five. And she starts arguing with me that that's not what I have. So finally she decides to get to the remaining five or six and I MATCHED EVERY ONE COMPLETELY. And there was a beat of silence and it became, "Huh. Well, I guess you could have this going on." *twitch* Like I said -- inexperience.

And from there on in, it was basically her telling me that short of hooking me up with a psychiatrist to put me on meds for ADHD, she couldn't help me with that.

And just... NO. You just... you have NO IDEA how terrified I am of taking psychological medications of any kind. It's this primal, unreasoning terror that I can't even explain, much less articulate. And to be told that that was really the only choice since everything else that she suggested I'd already tried and had failed with... that didn't sit well.

So, here I am, still stewing in my anxiety with some borderline depression issues and _I_ don't know what I'm doing and I'm starting to think she doesn't either and how do you even separate the problems a therapist CAN help you with from they ones they can't? I can already feel myself deciding that all the things I really need help with are things that I shouldn't talk to her about because I don't want to be told that it sounds like I'm coping just fine when really I just fake it well.

And just... ARGH. I don't need therapy to become ANOTHER point of stress. I have enough stress in my life without adding more. If you can't do anything to help me with the ADHD, then why don't you do your job and give me something to use to manage the anxiety that comes along with it?

I'm just... really very discouraged and don't even know what to do from here. :(

ETA: OH, I forgot this bit:

Her one answer to the ADHD thing was "we can get you accomodations." And just... FOR WHAT? I don't have exams. I'm in a doctoral program. Putting me in a "distraction-free room" (and we won't even get started on how awful distraction-free rooms are for me BECAUSE THEY ARE THE WORST and end in even MORE distraction than any other room)... during class? I mean, how the fuck would that help? I'm doing all of my work at home. Are you going to get me an office? And extended time? Again, for WHAT? UGH. Inexperienced therapist baby is inexperienced. Like why would you even MAKE that suggestion? ARGH.
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